Well, here it is again. We are jumping into another year. I'm not sad about leaving 2009 to be honest. It hasn't been one of the most exciting nor the most joyful years of my life so far. Unfortunately, I'm sure it's a year I'll remember for a while though. Yes, because it's been a year of changes. Personal changes. And I'm sure they'll be for the better, but the most important steps in life often start with a painful phase, right?
This year was full of questions. What am I doing? Why don't I feel committed to my studies? Why do I feel like standing outside of the box and watch anyone progress but me? Why don't I get along with my sister-in-law anymore? Is it me, is it her? What happened to this friendship I used to have? Why is she turning her back on me? Am I becoming a bitch or am I growing (which can be equally annoying for your entourage)? What is going on between me and my mother? In short, what is happening to me?
Well, what was happening is that I was changing, for better or worse, I don't know yet. Some would say, very convinced, for worse but I try not to pay too much attention to people who spend more time judging me than judging themselves.
Sure I've been bitchy at some points of this year. I sometimes provoked conflicts because change is hard to measure out. Before you find the right dose, it sometimes takes a few broken plates and glasses.
I had major arguments with some people of my family about this : me changing. I said some things I regret. Or no .. I don't regret saying the things I said, it's more that I regret the way I expressed them. Anyway, all I know is that it was painful, for me, and for them.
I lost a close friend, well at least I thought for a while we were close. It appears that my judgement must have been biased, now that I look back on our friendship. I'm wiser now, but still, it's painful to realize things like that. When you put your trust in someone, as you leave for a while, and then come back, and you see this person replaced you without any big troubles, it hurts.
But anyway, you get over it, right? It's not the first time this is happening to me. I tend to be attracted to the wrong people (wrong for me), I know that. And realizing it is painful but relieving aswell : you feel like it's a turning point, at least you'll stop wasting your time with that particular person who isn't worth it. And it feels like you open your eyes, you turn to other people, you discover interesting personnalities around you that you never suspected before, and life goes on.
But I think the most disturbing thing that happened to me this year was me realizing that I was in the wrong study program. All along the year, I felt lost, like I don't fit in. I mean everyone (everyone !) was progressing and finding a thesis subject, even the most dreamy ones. They did it last minute, but they did it. In the mean time, I'd been obsessed with that the whole first semester of 2009 but it didn't pay off. I felt like a flipper bowl bouncing from teacher to teacher, everyone telling me, either to go see someone else, more specialized in my subject, or to change it completely. I never expected that not finding a thesis subject in time would break my self-confidence that much. So this year, 2009, was a big year for self-reflection. I had at some point, to face the fact that I was lost in there. I started looking for other programs and found one .. too late. Taking it would have meant to restart the year the next semester. It was a challenging thought, but I did it. I restarted my master, in another specialization, with complete strangers, leaving my confortable circle of "friends" behind (or more precisely, ahead). And now, here I am :) I still have moments when I think "oh dear, this is killing me.." but these are outweighted by the feeling of righteousness it brought me to start over. I might even have a viable project this time. But now is not the time to think about it : I have exams in 2 weeks and I need to focus on that first step first.
And that means I have to leave you now. Until the next time.
Happy new year everyone. Make it the year of your life ! .. Until the next one ;)
This year was full of questions. What am I doing? Why don't I feel committed to my studies? Why do I feel like standing outside of the box and watch anyone progress but me? Why don't I get along with my sister-in-law anymore? Is it me, is it her? What happened to this friendship I used to have? Why is she turning her back on me? Am I becoming a bitch or am I growing (which can be equally annoying for your entourage)? What is going on between me and my mother? In short, what is happening to me?
Well, what was happening is that I was changing, for better or worse, I don't know yet. Some would say, very convinced, for worse but I try not to pay too much attention to people who spend more time judging me than judging themselves.
Sure I've been bitchy at some points of this year. I sometimes provoked conflicts because change is hard to measure out. Before you find the right dose, it sometimes takes a few broken plates and glasses.
I had major arguments with some people of my family about this : me changing. I said some things I regret. Or no .. I don't regret saying the things I said, it's more that I regret the way I expressed them. Anyway, all I know is that it was painful, for me, and for them.
I lost a close friend, well at least I thought for a while we were close. It appears that my judgement must have been biased, now that I look back on our friendship. I'm wiser now, but still, it's painful to realize things like that. When you put your trust in someone, as you leave for a while, and then come back, and you see this person replaced you without any big troubles, it hurts.
But anyway, you get over it, right? It's not the first time this is happening to me. I tend to be attracted to the wrong people (wrong for me), I know that. And realizing it is painful but relieving aswell : you feel like it's a turning point, at least you'll stop wasting your time with that particular person who isn't worth it. And it feels like you open your eyes, you turn to other people, you discover interesting personnalities around you that you never suspected before, and life goes on.
But I think the most disturbing thing that happened to me this year was me realizing that I was in the wrong study program. All along the year, I felt lost, like I don't fit in. I mean everyone (everyone !) was progressing and finding a thesis subject, even the most dreamy ones. They did it last minute, but they did it. In the mean time, I'd been obsessed with that the whole first semester of 2009 but it didn't pay off. I felt like a flipper bowl bouncing from teacher to teacher, everyone telling me, either to go see someone else, more specialized in my subject, or to change it completely. I never expected that not finding a thesis subject in time would break my self-confidence that much. So this year, 2009, was a big year for self-reflection. I had at some point, to face the fact that I was lost in there. I started looking for other programs and found one .. too late. Taking it would have meant to restart the year the next semester. It was a challenging thought, but I did it. I restarted my master, in another specialization, with complete strangers, leaving my confortable circle of "friends" behind (or more precisely, ahead). And now, here I am :) I still have moments when I think "oh dear, this is killing me.." but these are outweighted by the feeling of righteousness it brought me to start over. I might even have a viable project this time. But now is not the time to think about it : I have exams in 2 weeks and I need to focus on that first step first.
And that means I have to leave you now. Until the next time.
Happy new year everyone. Make it the year of your life ! .. Until the next one ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment