Man up!

This month, I've been trying to write a 50 000 words novel. That's the challenge of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) : write as much as you can in one month time. You don't get judged on the quality of your prose but you're considered a winner if you reach the word count by Nov. 30 midnight.  You might wonder what the point is since you don't actually win anything, except maybe the satisfaction to finally finish a piece from A to Z. Well, the point is to give aspiring writers the little push they need to actually just write and not look back on what they've written; to give people like me, who've always wanted to write but never finished anything, such a tight deadline that they can't be bothered to read again every line they wrote and let themselves be reached by doubt (and consequently just abandon yet another story they started).  

This year was my first try. I say 'was' because even though November is not yet over, I know I won't be winning this year. I wrote around 12 700 words in the first two weeks, but then I got caught up in work and personal matters that just took over again rank n°1 in my priorities list, leaving my poor little embryo of a novel rotting in its file. Plus, I thought I could do it in English but maybe next time I should try in French instead.

But hey, I'm still proud of myself for having started a decent plot (at least I think it is) and having written more words on one story than I had ever written before. And even if I don't reach the 50 000 words by the end of next week, I know I have a story waiting tight in its little file for me to look it over again and continue it. I didn't write much (just over a quarter of the assignment) but I wrote enough to be hooked on a story and to know that when life gives me a little break again, I'll be excited to get back to it. Maybe I'll have been even having the time to develop better ideas for the next chapters. Maybe, me not finishing the assignment in time for winning NaNoWriMo doesn't mean it won't be a winner after all, just a little bit later than scheduled. Maybe. But in any case, I keep faith in myself and am already a little proud of my 12 700 words achievement.

I keep faith... for this at least, because for the rest of what's been going on in my life lately, I'm wandering through thick fogs, be it personally or professionally. I won't develop too much on the work front but let's just say that the near future is looking less and less certain everyday and that December is probably going to be a very stressful period. Prepare for strategies and potential exhausting mind games. The bright side is that in 3 or 4 weeks, I should be fixed on my options. The scary part however is that, I don't know yet how I will react if these aren't corresponding to the ones I am currently hoping for. But let's just let things unfold and try to take things as they come, without overthinking them too much.

And on the personal front, it's just a big whole mess for the moment. I have been letting two close friends  just drift away from me over the past few months. The situation was triggered by a thing they did, a stupid thing if you ask me, but it is now persisting because of my difficulty to forgive and get over things. So all of us have a share of responsibility for this sucky situation and I feel helpless. On the one hand, I feel betrayed, hurt and find the pill hard to swallow. On the other hand, I'm also frustrated by the current situation and wish I could just turn the page easily. The current state of things is the following: I barely talk to Friend A, pretending that I'm progressively getting over 'it' while deep down I just know I'm not there yet. Friend B just vanished from the face of the earth (figuratively speaking, of course) from one day to the other, or more accurately just shut me out of his life, leaving me there with my confusion, a bunch of unanswered questions and a resentment growing up slowly everyday as I gather pieces of the puzzle from third parties along the way. And in the middle of this is Friend C, the real victim of 'it' all, who however has no clue of 'it' and who I have to face regularly, lying to his face by omission every time I see him, and feeling every time a little bit more like the forced accomplice of Friends A and B, which I hate tremendously! This situation sucks, to say the least. I wish Friends A and B would just both man up and respect Friend C enough to tell him everything. Although, I am afraid of what Friend C's reaction might be when he discovers the truth and the fact that we all knew 'it' already...

The result of all this shit for me - in a consciously selfish way - is that I've lost important friendships. This whole story just broke something between me and Friends A and B (A especially). It's frustrating to see how relationships that took quite a while to build can be altered in just a blink of an eye's time. Things will never be the same again between us. A trust has indirectly been broken. My respect for them is fissured and I keep putting glue on it but the marks just keep showing... A mistrust has slowly made its bed between us. And I'm left alone with no one to turn to anymore. Sure there are a few candidates applying to fill the position but you can not just trigger such a bond on command. I wish I could but I can't. I'm surrounded with people who care and yet I feel as lonely as ever. I can't talk to either of all the three anymore. Friend A is trying to talk again like nothing happened but I won't (I can't) reciprocate, Friend B is not talking to anyone anymore and it burns my tongue to not be able to talk frankly to Friend C. All this refraining from talking is killing me.

I'm really hoping for this big bubble to burst soon. No matter how hard the consequences will be, they can only be sounder than what we have now. It certainly is the only option I see for us to mend these cracked friendships back to what they used to be, or stronger.

A bon entendeur...